Lumos

Lumos.

Keep the dark, sadness, anger, disappoitment, and boredom yourself. Remember only share the happiness, they said.

That's why I write nothing these days.

Life's been pretty dull.

And I was getting drowned in the dark-boredom until finally, I have to raise my wands and say, "lumos!"

I need a getaway. I need a light. I need to write.

And November will soon be pass.

My month. My birthday.

But not exactly my favorite month. Never be.

November is always full of raindrops, muddy grounds, lightning, and dark clouds all over the sky. It's not that I am being ungrateful, because God is pouring His blessing through the rain, I know.

But I dislike the gloomy feeling that followed it. You know, the strange, sad feeling within the drops of rain. And we can only stayed at home, wrap ourself up in the blanket, waiting the sky bright again. I can even write a gloomy poem whenever it rains! :p

Back again.

None of things were special. This year I didn't celebrate my birthday either. I spent the night before on the heavy rain and stuck by the traffic. On all my way, I reflect back what I have achieved, what I have done. And suddenly I was thinking, when will I die? And what have I prepared?

After that, I was not interested anymore to celebrate anything. I didn't even bought a birthday cake my mom told to (in my family, we usually picked and bought our own cake with the money mom gave to us. Mine always goes to Cheese Cake Factory).

I went to home and said to mom, I didn't want a cake, I didn't want anything. And the next day, I gave a present to myself, to stay away from people and the outside world.

Just spent some time alone. One day to reflected my life. Hello, 21.

*

Life's been pretty dull.

And don't expect a wise, positive and motivational post from me because this time I'll let my somber side controls.

Where have I been?

I have been nowhere. This whole time I feel like I am standing on Hogwarts hall, waiting my name to be called by the sorting hat.

Or it's more like I am the waiting list patient who is sitting on the clinic. Can do nothing, can go nowhere.

I feel strange. I feel like wanting to run way from everything. From the society, even sometimes I feel trapped in family. Most of times, I want to be just alone.

I am easily get bored with anything. 

This unexplained bouts of (sort-of) depression when doing tasks that used to make me happy. A desire to surround myself with different settings.

I feel confused, and lost while trying to sort out the contradictions between what I feel and what I now have in my life.

I don't understand why I am acting in that manner, but I am on a battle with this inner conflicts.

They said, maybe it's when you say you are going through a midlife crisis. I frankly don't know what is that mean. 

But I know maybe, it's actually an attempt from my inner self to restart life to better fit, since I am growing up now. 

What I extremely need by now is an open door. To get out from here. I know what will I do once I see the light of this tunnel.

I know what I want to achieve. I know what's my goal, my steps to get them. I made plans. A, B, C. I'm not scared of where the path of life will take me.

I just need this door open, I hope veery fairy berry soon, and then I will be able to raise my wands, say: "accio broom!"

And fly among the sky, maybe with a firebolt.



Ps: I tried "alohomora" to opened the door. Didn't work. :p