Healing Period

Sometimes I write and just save it, just to pour my heart out and not share it to the world. Sometimes I delete it right after I publish it, because some of them are too honest and sincere that it scares me. Like how you feel when you're about to confess the truth, to spill something that bothers you... Or just simply to share your story.

I know how people judge me, bad-mouthing me, or anything you could talk about me because of my posts here. But I don't think I can bear the strain of keeping it all to myself. This is the point of sharing, to let people know our story, and let them learn from it. Indeed, there's always two side of every story. Here and there, this and that. It's all the matters of point of view. So in this blog, I give mine.

I just want to share about what I REALLY have been going through these days. How I could deal with my past. How I learned to let it all go. How I finally stand up again. After all those pain....

Lies, cheating, betrayal, disappointments, loss.

Once again, I'm not seeking any attention, I'm not making dramas, and I'm not playing as a victim. This all just one of my experiences, in the phase of life.

So, here I am. I don't wanna talk about what happened in the past, surely you all have known too, with many version of the story. Sometimes I feel like an opened book. People seems like they know more about my life rather than my own self. I'm pretty surprised with that. Instead, I wanna share about my 'healing period'.

It's a matter of accepting and adjusting with things that happened because we have no other choice, right? Because, no matter how hard we do or try or wish with all our might, it has happened. And there's nothing we can do about it. Anger, sadness, hatred, feeling down, I found it all just useless.

So I decided to enjoy the period. When those pain follows me everywhere I go, everytime. I feel like dying, and being traumatic sometimes. I became unstable. Laugh at one time, and the next second thing I just wanna cry. Haunted with nightmare, trapped in the loneliness, lost in nowhere. I gone through it all.

Moving on is easy. Distracting ourselves from the past is somehow easy if we're busy, when our friends are around or when we have something to do at the moment. What’s hard is staying moved on. It's one-strike-memories or those flashback-burns that really get to us, it's when you have nothing to do and hear the noise in your head, in every song you used to hear and places you used to spent together, it's in you. That's what makes staying moved on is hard. Very hard.

But then, they are there. My family, my most loving and caring best friends, my dreams, my future. There are people and things in our life will always be there, to keep us going. I see them, and then I feel like I could face it all.

I decided not to run and hide. I stand tall, and accept it all. I make peace with my past, forgive what happened. Everytime I hear or see him with his new partner, I'm just hoping that he will be happy. It's not a cliche, it's because he struggled so much to reach his happiness, with all those pain he made for me. And if now he ain't happy, then what this all for?

That was a miserable period. But I have no other choice except enjoy it until the pain would slowly be no longer there. And that's true! When time's passing, it doesn't heal the pain, but teach us how to getting used to live with the pain, until the pain is gone itself. "And it's like you pull off the band-aid, and it hurts, but then it's over and you're relieved."

That is what I feel now. Relieved. :)

I know now, that I WAS happy in disguise, for I used to try to please one person, for over than two years. I was like live in denial. Scared of this, insecured of that. Too much prejudiced, too much worried.

But I am free now. I really am more happy than yesterday. And it such a relief that I took right decision to change my life forever.

But I'm not regretting my past. However I was happy too back then. I had many beautiful memories, good lessons, and everlasting journey. It helped me become the person I am today. :)

Haah, I didn't expect I will get back this fast. I was thinking that I will ended up falling down for a quite long time. But it feels like a miracle to see myself now. I'm 100% all okay. Those pain just..... really has gone. It's really true. :) Yes, the scars still there, and will always be there. But it doesn't matter, because it's a part of me. A part of my past. A part of my life.

So I think, the key is just to whole-heartedly accept everything. Make peace with life and fate. And always keep the faith, that in the end we will always be okay.

There's one scene in movie I love the most, that inspire me a lot. It's Holly's letter for Gerry in P.S. I Love You:

So, yes. We only have one life. And I don't want to waste mine with regret, sadness, or anything that useless. People come and go, things change. It's how the universe works. We have to deal with it. And we are all alone, indeed, in the end. So why scared?

"Alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is, if we are all alone, then we are all together in that, too."

Now what I want is just to spread love. To my family, my friends, for all the people who never looked down or doubt or grew tired of dealing with me. :D

And I'm eternally grateful for everything I have now :)

P.S: ...... Guess what?  ♥